What do I think about 2010? It was one of the strangest, most wonderful, most psychologically taxing years I've had in recent memory.
I started the year with an ending. While I can't say that I loved the outcome, the destruction of a long and good friendship, it wasn't entirely unexpected. And despite that, I find that I can't regret any part of the experience.
I had possibly the most bizarre experience ever with an ex. It made me terrified for his family and, to some extent, humanity. It made me wonder about how ideas can fester and grow like weeds in some minds. But it also made me feel incredibly lucky. Lucky that I got out when I did all those years ago, that I didn't end up spending my life stuck in that madness. Lucky to know the kind of people that I know now, and to have the amazing friends that I have.
I took a crazily frustrating writing class that made me want to smash my head into my computer screen at least once a week. Thankfully I managed to control that urge, what with the potentially expensive, not to mention painful, repercussions. But also, as much as I stubbornly hate to admit it, I really did learn an awful lot.
I had an unbelievably fantastic summer. Seeing great shows, spending time with people I love, making new old friends, starting something that I was scared to even imagine might last, that slid into being so good that I was terrified to imagine it ending, and even now am unwilling to discuss for fear of throwing off the precarious balance of hope and faith that exists in my head.
The Muchness Book Club was born, to revive two emotionally battered and exhausted women. Only to become completely, wonderfully unnecessary in the most bizarrely parallel set of events that could possibly happen in two separate lives. Both the bad and the good cemented a friendship that I doubt will ever go away. I love you x11.
Circumstances, some random some not, prompted more trips to home, and strengthened my awareness of my own restlessness. Deciding to leave LA after seven years, the longest I've lived anywhere in my adult life, and move back to Milwaukee felt more like an inevitability than a choice. And I don't mean that in a bad way. It feels like it was an idea that was always out there, just waiting for me to catch up with it. Maybe there is something to be said for having to go away before you can come back.
I took another writing class that was much more relaxed. It was a lot more fun, and a lot easier than the first. And, somehow, a lot less useful. Don't get me wrong, it was a great experience, I'm glad I did it. And I did learn things, though more about myself than about writing. I guess maybe it was just too easy.
I took a flying leap off of the emotional deep end more than once. I don't know that it was the smartest idea, or the best way to deal with things, but I'm starting to think that it was necessary. I really think that, even as adults, sometimes people need to test their boundaries. I've spent so much time living inside other people's that I think I'd forgotten where mine were. It's been amazing for me to find out how much further I can stretch.
Even better though is learning that there are actually people in my life who are willing to go there with me. And aren't afraid to reign me back in if I need it. And, possibly most telling of all, I actually trust them to do so.
I made a few really good friends, which is rare for me. Some were brand new friends, and some were people I'd known for awhile but just hadn't really spent much time with. I had the most amazing, ridiculous, cathartic weekend vacation with two of them. I can't even begin to describe the amount of relief I got, still get actually, from knowing that my friends are the kind of people that I can laugh with, get drunk with, bitch with, scream at, threaten, fight with, and love more than anything on the planet, and they'll throw it all right back at me with no restraint. It was completely worth the broken toe! I would do it all over again in heartbeat.
I finally started to understand some things that seem like they should be obvious, but haven't always been so to me. Like reward being commensurate with risk. And that you truly can't appreciate light without some darkness to balance it out. That not knowing everything offers many more interesting opportunities. That there is no one right or perfect way to do most things. That having faith in the improbable is terrifying, but so very worth it when it becomes reality. Sometimes impatience pays off, but often it's just a waste of energy. Most importantly, all I need to be is me, whoever that may be from moment to moment.
It was a crazy up and down year, filled with incredibly high highs, extreme levels of frustration, insane moments of greatness, terrible moments of doubt and fear, surprising clarity about unexpected things, and insecurity about things I never saw coming. I feel like I've learned more about myself in the past year than I have in a very long time. And realized that I've only just begun to scratch the surface of who I am and what I'm capable of. So thank you 2010. I am grateful to you for the fun I had, the things I learned, the paths you led me down, and the people that I found along the way. I can't really say that I'm sorry to see you go, as I sit here, waiting, poised for the next adventure. But I can definitely appreciate that I wouldn't be here, now, without having had the strangeness that was last year.
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