Caution, Meet Wind

or Random Insanity - your guess is as good as mine.


For awhile now I feel like I've been slowly losing it, which is very much not like me. I've been calm, mellow, stable, completely in control girl for a very long time. Maybe I've been too calm and stable for too long and this is the backlash, who knows. Regardless, I had this idea that I could attempt to curb my own growing insanity. (Maybe "insanity" is overstating a little. Restlessness? Recklessness?) I figured if I let some of the crazy out, siphon some of it off, I would settle down a little bit. A calming of the inner demon, so to speak. Or at least feed it a temporary sedative. By no means did I expect to end up back on an even keel, but I thought I could, I don't know, maybe get close enough that I could figure out how to get back there.

So I did a crazy, irresponsible, reckless thing. I did exactly what I wanted. I didn't think about how anyone would react to it or what kind of repercussion it might have on my reality. I found things I wanted, and I took them. And when that wasn't quite enough, I went back for more.

Now, the hope there was that it would be enough. But, I'm finding that it's not.

I threw myself at life, and now I want to just keep going.

I liken it to giving a hit to a recovering addict. (I have no actual experience with that one, but I'm guessing it's similar.) A little taste is never quite enough. And even a little more than that just whets the appetite further. It's like sex. When you don't have any for awhile, you kind of forget what you're missing. At least, that's the way it's worked for me. You remember that it's a nice thing, and it's enjoyable, but the need for it fades. And then someone wanders along, and the next thing you know all you can think about is sex. And if it's good, suddenly you become inhuman in your need. And if it's really good, well...

Back to the topic at hand. The one I'm wandering around in my head trying to figure out. Why am I thinking and doing things I would never have imagined of myself? What the hell is wrong with me? Why now? How do I fix it? Do I really want to fix it?

Maybe I have been too controlled for too long, and this is my psyche just throwing in the towel. Some part of me is ready for life to be different, I know that for sure. But I don't know what, or how, or when. So maybe this is just me, casting around, throwing out possibilities, trying to figure out who the next me is going to be.

Maybe I should remember that new birth control is bound to screw me up, and I should separate myself from the phone, and the computer, and anything else I could possibly do damage with. It was understood when I was little that any new thing that was introduced to my system was going to go badly. I can't imagine what made me think that it would be any different now. Aspirin makes me loopy for God's sake! (Though it has made drug usage rather pointless, which is a good thing.)

Maybe I should remember to eat before work occasionally.

Then again, maybe this is just me now, and I have to figure out how to deal with it. Hell if I know what that looks like. Until I figure it out, this is my five millionth blanket apology to everyone who's forced to deal with me. For those of you who choose to, especially lately, you might want to question your own sanity. I sure am.

Tomorrow

When did "tomorrow" stop being an exciting word? I remember being a little kid and thinking it was one of the coolest words. It was so elusive, and unpredictable, and it held so much possibility! Anything could happen tomorrow, you just never knew. It could be the day I got a new book, or made a new friend, or the unicorns came to visit, or the day I got to walk to the store for stamps and spend the change on candy... Big things, little things, it didn't matter, it was all interesting.

Now tomorrow just looks like a long string of days ahead that look remarkably like the days preceding. Or else it's filled with a list of things to accomplish. It's followed with "I have to..." instead of "I get to.."

Sure, every so often there's something to look forward to; Tomorrow my sister gets here, tomorrow I get to go visit my family, tomorrow I get to see a show, tomorrow I have the day off, and so on. I find I look forward to those days so far in advance that they come and go far too quickly. Instead of tomorrow I'm busy looking forward to two weeks from now, a month from now, six months from now...

I feel like I miss today a lot. And I definitely miss the idea of "tomorrow".