Patience

...or my lack thereof

I like to get what I want. OK, who doesn’t? Let me rephrase that. I almost always get what I want. Possessing the ability to convince myself that I don’t want things I obviously can’t have doesn’t exactly hurt, but that’s not where I’m going with this.

Once I’ve decided want I want, I want it NOW. I have no patience. I don’t understand how to find joy in the process of things. I know there are people who do, but I honestly just don’t get that. I think that’s part of why the writing class I just finished was so hard for me. The teacher clearly enjoyed the process of building a script, beginning at it’s most minuscule parts. (I think he might even have liked that better than the actual writing of the story.) For me that was like working backwards. I had to take what was fully formed in my head, break it down, and then rebuild it. In increments. Very. Slowly. It drove me absolutely nuts! I’m getting irritated just typing this. Not to mention off topic.

Having gotten what I wanted, I want more. And I want that immediately too. What can I say, I’m insatiable. I can see the next hill in the distance, and I want to get on top of it, like, yesterday. (Bad metaphor? Agreed.) Then it repeats. Over and over and over. Until I drive just about everything I want right out because I’m in such a hurry to get to the end.

It’s true with books. I have to read the ones I really like at least twice. The first time I’m just ripping through it to find out what happens next. The second time I find whole sections that I completely missed. Sometimes it’s not till the fourth or fifth time through that I allow myself to take pleasure in the story.

It’s true with writing. I want to be able to sit down and write the entire thing, from beginning to end, virtually uninterrupted, even if it takes days. I have no problem going over things and editing. But writing in fits and starts makes me want to throw things.

It’s true with planning things. I don’t always need there to be a plan, but if there is one, I want to get started on it right away. I can’t handle the idea of sitting around and waiting. Sitting around and being lazy, fine, no problem. But when someone says “Hey, let’s do this!”, I can’t fathom why you wouldn’t want to just get to it.

And it’s very true with men. And sex.

If I don’t get what I want when I want it, I turn into a small child. Sometimes it’s an epic battle to keep myself from trying every tactic I can come up with; pleading, bribing, whining, threatening… I haven’t thrown a fit since I was a kid, but there are many days when I would really like to. And more than a few when I very nearly have.

The downside to all of this (aside from manic craziness, and a fair amount of repression) is that, at some point, I always realize that I've missed something. I didn’t take the time to enjoy moments that could have been remembered later. Or in my hurry to find a faster way, I end up getting lost and have to backtrack, which is just plain infuriating. Or I’m in such a hurry to get what I want that I don’t realize it’s not what I really want until it’s too late. And sometimes I push so hard and so fast that I scare things (mainly people, OK, fine, men) away.

I wish I knew how to stop wanting to have everything, and know everything, all at once. I wish I knew how to slow down and just enjoy the process of life. I wish I knew how to stop pushing so hard that I end up running right past what I was pushing towards. But I honestly haven’t the slightest clue how to do that.

Maybe someday someone will be able to teach me how to slow down. At this point I don’t hold out much hope that I’ll figure it out on my own. Maybe they’ll have to force me. That person may have a legitimate claim to sainthood. Until then, I promise to apologize, and feel appropriately bad, if I run you over on my way to wherever the hell it is that I think I want to be.