Aloneness

Part of the problem with having far too much free time and a talent for procrastination is that it provides way too much time to think. And dwell. And, if you're me, have imaginary conversations regarding the things you're dwelling on.

So, today's topic for dwelling is my aloneness. Hence the title.

It was suggested to me that I spend far too much time by myself, in my apartment. After a fair amount of dwelling I decided I was rather angry at the person who suggested it. After a bit more I decided that there may be a small grain of truth to some of what this person said, but I still don't appreciate the approach. After even further contemplation (see, I told you I had too much free time) I appreciate the self reflection that came from the whole thing, but I'm still a bit irritated. So, I'm writing this. Partially to have my say, and partially hoping that it will vanquish my irritation with this friend of mine who, more often than not, I do truly adore.

I actually enjoy being alone. I know that a lot of people find that strange, and even more just can't begin to comprehend it. I've always liked being alone. Going out for dinner by myself, shopping, seeing movies alone, none of these things have ever bothered me. In fact sometimes I prefer to do some of those things alone. Like when I don't want to think over much about my food choices, or when I feel the need to go gaze at the latest Viggo Mortensen offering, or when I'm in a hurry or feeling particularly browsy. Alone works for me.

Not to say that I don't like people. I do. Bartending is an extraordinarily social job, and I'm lucky enough to work in a place where I enjoy most of the people who wander through the doors. And that's not the only time I'm social. I actually have a few friends that I hang out with on occasion. In public even! *gasp* I guess I just had a few years where I was extremely poor and I got used to not spending money. I got out of the habit of going out and watching it all fly away. Even now, when I'm pretty close to financially stable, I find that I like my money in the bank. You never know when that rough month is going to happen again.

The conclusion I've come to is that I am not now, have never been, and am not likely to be the kind of person that goes out just to have something to do, or that hangs out with people I don't particularly care for just to have someone to talk to. That doesn't mean I'm depressed, and it doesn't mean there's anything else wrong with me either. In fact I kind of like that about myself. I like that when I hang out with people it's because I really enjoy their company and I really want to be there. I sometimes wish more people were like that. Do I spend too much time in my apartment? Possibly. Somewhere along the line I turned into something of a hermit, I admit. There are a million different reasons, and excuses, and a million different places to throw that blame at, but it's not really worth it. This is just what I do. It's the way I am right now. It may change, it may not, but I'm not complaining about it so I don't see why it should bother anyone else.

As far as the other part of the conversation. I would say that I can't worry about being hurt again, if I've never been hurt that way in the first place. Embarrassed? Yes. Let down? Absolutely! Disappointed? Without a doubt. Saddened? Sure. Brokenhearted? Not so much. No one has ever meant that much, or I've never let them. Either way, I think that's probably the saddest part of the whole thing.

So, again, while I appreciate this little trip into my inner psyche, the next time you feel the need to project your issues onto my life don't think I will hesitate even a second to tell you to stay the hell out of it.



Well, I feel a little bit better now. Love you!