The old me

Periodically I feel the need to read over things I've written. Sometimes it's relatively recent stuff, sometimes it's from forever ago, and sometimes I don't even remember writing whatever it is. It can be anything, depending on which box I grab. Old journals, scripts, pieces of stories that never got finished, things that are terminally stalled, random quotes, whatever. The dumb part is the same few things happen every time I do this.

1) I laugh hysterically at myself.

2) I find stuff I'd forgotten about that I decide I really want to work on again.

3) I find things that I knew I had, but feel inspired to put more effort in to.

4) I laugh hysterically at myself.

5) I marvel at some of the random things my brain spits out.

6) I remember the girl I used to be. The one who wrote some of that stuff. The one who did some of the things in a few of those bits and pieces. The girl that I'm pretty sure isn't me anymore.

So, it always goes the same way. I'm highly entertained, then inspired and excited, then sad, maybe a little depressed, and even a little angry. Invariably I start comparing the old me to the current me. I find her fun and exciting, adventurous and strong, snotty, entertaining, interesting. Sure, I had some rough moments, but on the whole... She was a pretty rockin' chick. Me now? That's a whole different animal. Comparatively I feel boring, simple, hermit like, and just plain dull. (And maybe a bit melodramatic.)

In my daytime, slightly more stable, mindset I recognize the differences as personal growth. In that mind, I know personal growth is a good and necessary thing. I know that I am lucky to have learned everything I've learned so far, and come out relatively unscathed. I know that I really wouldn't trade most of my life now.

At night, though, I mourn the loss of that girl. She's seems so much more free spirited and light hearted than I feel. She had boundless faith and so much less fear than I do. And I get angry. At myself, at the things I have or haven't done, at other people who aren't really to blame. I mean, if someone holds me back, slows me down, or frustrates me, that's my fault, right?

I don't know that I necessarily want to be that person again. Even if I did, I wouldn't know how to go about becoming her.

I'm sure this will all look differently later, but right now, I miss the old me. It sure feels like she had a hell of a lot more fun.