Periodically I feel the need to read over things I've written. Sometimes it's relatively recent stuff, sometimes it's from forever ago, and sometimes I don't even remember writing whatever it is. It can be anything, depending on which box I grab. Old journals, scripts, pieces of stories that never got finished, things that are terminally stalled, random quotes, whatever. The dumb part is the same few things happen every time I do this.
1) I laugh hysterically at myself.
2) I find stuff I'd forgotten about that I decide I really want to work on again.
3) I find things that I knew I had, but feel inspired to put more effort in to.
4) I laugh hysterically at myself.
5) I marvel at some of the random things my brain spits out.
6) I remember the girl I used to be. The one who wrote some of that stuff. The one who did some of the things in a few of those bits and pieces. The girl that I'm pretty sure isn't me anymore.
So, it always goes the same way. I'm highly entertained, then inspired and excited, then sad, maybe a little depressed, and even a little angry. Invariably I start comparing the old me to the current me. I find her fun and exciting, adventurous and strong, snotty, entertaining, interesting. Sure, I had some rough moments, but on the whole... She was a pretty rockin' chick. Me now? That's a whole different animal. Comparatively I feel boring, simple, hermit like, and just plain dull. (And maybe a bit melodramatic.)
In my daytime, slightly more stable, mindset I recognize the differences as personal growth. In that mind, I know personal growth is a good and necessary thing. I know that I am lucky to have learned everything I've learned so far, and come out relatively unscathed. I know that I really wouldn't trade most of my life now.
At night, though, I mourn the loss of that girl. She's seems so much more free spirited and light hearted than I feel. She had boundless faith and so much less fear than I do. And I get angry. At myself, at the things I have or haven't done, at other people who aren't really to blame. I mean, if someone holds me back, slows me down, or frustrates me, that's my fault, right?
I don't know that I necessarily want to be that person again. Even if I did, I wouldn't know how to go about becoming her.
I'm sure this will all look differently later, but right now, I miss the old me. It sure feels like she had a hell of a lot more fun.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
MySpace and Facebook
While I find them entertaining, and confusing in the case of Facebook, networking/social sites creep me out a little.
It's nice to be able to find friends that you've lost touch with. That's something that used to be nearly impossible to do. But now, all you have to do is stick a name in to a search engine and TA DA! It's the first person you ever slept with! Yes, I did that. He's married and a professional gambler, and he looks different than I remember. Which is part of what I find creepy about it. I think it's probably best to keep some of those people immortalized in memory. Let them stay the way they were in your head then. But, I'm a girl, and natural curiosity tends to get the best of me every time. Did I need to know that one of my ex boyfriends is masquerading as 8 years younger than he actually is? No. But it's pretty funny. And kind of sad. And, in a way, makes me rethink my perception of him. And that's sad too.
The other part that's strange and creepy is the people who find you that you'd forgotten about. Or tried to. Usually with good reason. And lo and behold, they're back in your life. Not that you necessarily need to respond to that awkward message. But, again with the curiosity. Then you've started it, and how do you end it?
Then there's the nosiness that, pleasantly, negates the reunion. You can find out who got fat, or bald, or divorced, or whatever, without that strange "So what have you been doing for the past 10 years?" conversation. And who really wants to have that one if they can help it?
It doesn't really matter if the determination lands on the side of creepy or good. It's not like any of it is going away. It's just my thoughts on it.
That's all I've got for now.
It's nice to be able to find friends that you've lost touch with. That's something that used to be nearly impossible to do. But now, all you have to do is stick a name in to a search engine and TA DA! It's the first person you ever slept with! Yes, I did that. He's married and a professional gambler, and he looks different than I remember. Which is part of what I find creepy about it. I think it's probably best to keep some of those people immortalized in memory. Let them stay the way they were in your head then. But, I'm a girl, and natural curiosity tends to get the best of me every time. Did I need to know that one of my ex boyfriends is masquerading as 8 years younger than he actually is? No. But it's pretty funny. And kind of sad. And, in a way, makes me rethink my perception of him. And that's sad too.
The other part that's strange and creepy is the people who find you that you'd forgotten about. Or tried to. Usually with good reason. And lo and behold, they're back in your life. Not that you necessarily need to respond to that awkward message. But, again with the curiosity. Then you've started it, and how do you end it?
Then there's the nosiness that, pleasantly, negates the reunion. You can find out who got fat, or bald, or divorced, or whatever, without that strange "So what have you been doing for the past 10 years?" conversation. And who really wants to have that one if they can help it?
It doesn't really matter if the determination lands on the side of creepy or good. It's not like any of it is going away. It's just my thoughts on it.
That's all I've got for now.
Hello and Welcome...
... to my world in progress. This is the part where I'm supposed to explain what and why, but I'm not going to! If you don't already know, read someone else's and pick your favorite reason!
Right now I should be doing a myriad of other things. Instead I am choosing to work on my mastery of procrastination. Not that I haven't been meaning to start a blog one of these days. Seriously, half the freelance writing jobs in the world want to have access to your blog before they even consider you. Which is funny to me. Anyone can blog. That's the point, right?
Whatever.
It's good exercise for the writing end of life, and I imagine it will be nice to have an outlet for random irritation. And now I'm explaining myself, which I said I wouldn't do. So I'm stopping!
Anyway, welcome! I'm random, odd, a dreamer (though I'll leave the celebrity orange throwing types to my sister), sometimes bitter and snotty, obsessed with words, and generally have a lot to say. Comment as you see fit, and maybe we'll get to know each other. Otherwise, enjoy in anonymity!
Right now I should be doing a myriad of other things. Instead I am choosing to work on my mastery of procrastination. Not that I haven't been meaning to start a blog one of these days. Seriously, half the freelance writing jobs in the world want to have access to your blog before they even consider you. Which is funny to me. Anyone can blog. That's the point, right?
Whatever.
It's good exercise for the writing end of life, and I imagine it will be nice to have an outlet for random irritation. And now I'm explaining myself, which I said I wouldn't do. So I'm stopping!
Anyway, welcome! I'm random, odd, a dreamer (though I'll leave the celebrity orange throwing types to my sister), sometimes bitter and snotty, obsessed with words, and generally have a lot to say. Comment as you see fit, and maybe we'll get to know each other. Otherwise, enjoy in anonymity!
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